Postpartum journey Pt. 2
Ramped up and ready for round two. I had my bags packed, toddler at home anxiously awaiting baby girl’s arrival! We were ready to get her here and home. This time, I knew what to look for postpartum, I knew the questions I needed to ask so that I could be more alert and prepared. To a degree, still a little naive, because with each pregnancy and baby comes so many differences.
The first month or two felt like a dream and I felt like I had surpassed the possibility of struggling with postpartum anxiety and depression. I 100% thought I was in the clear, I felt lighter and energized, she slept like a dream, I was nursing her and making a good amount of milk. I had gotten to know our neighbors across our street a little more and she was a lactation consultant, she came over to help me nurse our daughter. She gave me tools to educate myself in this area and helped me through mastitis! I felt so much better about it all, I felt calm and ready to take it all on.
After the two month mark our daughter started struggling with some medical stuff that caused us to all lose sleep, restrict my diet so that I could nurse her and my milk could be free of all the foods that were upsetting her. This was the beginning of gut health for me, again another friend pointed me in this direction so that I could start digging into it, in hopes to understand what was going on. It was the only the tip of the iceberg.
With the sleepless nights, the constant puking from baby Mila, with little to no answers, left me depleted, left me from taking care of myself the way I needed to. Feeding my baby became more difficult with each passing day because almost everything I ate made her sick, even with the restrictions. We made it 7 months and I’m so proud of that 7 months that I was able to nurse her.
The first 7 months though of Mila’s life was a blur for me, I was completely in survival mode. At some point during those 7 months I recall sitting in the middle of her nursery, clinging to that little baby girl and just bawling my eyes out. The tears weren’t stopping, I felt hopeless holding her next to me. She is this precious gift and I couldn’t hold it together for her. I realized I needed help, I needed someone to help pull out of the darkness that filled my head. However, I knew where to turn, I knew what to look for. I was grateful for my past experience that didn’t leave me fighting alone this time. I had people and resources in my corner.
I was able to communicate with my husband, my village, and I was able to seek talk therapy to help me work through some of the changes I was experiences. I wish I could say that I felt “normal” soon after that, whatever “normal” really means. It took years for life to come back into my eyes. I may have sought talk therapy, but more life traumas caused me to feel more depleted, never truly being able to catch up. My body responded by kicking an autoimmune disease into high gear, and I’m sure it had been there for a bit, but I was queen of ignoring the signs until my body was literally screaming at me. Until finally I posted up camp to the darkest place I had ever been, through past research I knew I needed more than just talk therapy and pills from a Dr. I needed to get to the root of it all.
And I did. I came out on the other side of my postpartum anxiety and depression. I learned to somewhat slow down, I learned to nourish myself, I learned that I can’t do it all on my own. Thankful that life was breathed back into me and that I didn’t stop when I realized I was struggling with my mental health. I stood tall and conquered it with the help of others.
If you too silently struggled or are struggling, you don’t have to walk this road alone. Reach out to a trusted person and get the help you need. There is hope and light on the other side of that mountain. We learn our so much in the valleys and it makes reaching that mountaintop so much grander.
-Brit